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Rage face on again! Vent time!

Right, so I have been living wwith my friend and her family for a while now, and at first, things were great. We got along, everything was awesome. Now I just hate it. I guess the longer I have stayed here, the more I have worked out about them.

What annoys me the most is the lying. My friend and her mother are compulsive liars. They lie everyday! They will look me in the face and lie about something and know I know the truth, but they lie anyway! So annoying. What is worse is what they lie about when they think I cant hear them or when they think I am asleep. They have said a number of things that have been total lies when they think I have been asleep or that I cant hear them.

The most recent was the fact that the mother apparently caught me heating something up in the microwave without a splatter plate over it, and as a result, the food I was supposedly eating got too hot and painted the inside of the microwave when it exploded. I wasnt even home that day! She did it, not me! She tells anyone who will listen how she isnt a lazy person, but she is, I would never trash someones belongings like that, she did it and when her husband seen the state it was in and got angry about it, she blamed me so her and her daughter were out of trouble. Funny thing is, he didnt believe her, because he knows what her and her daughter are like.

The next seriously annoying thing they all lied about was pregnancy. The mother, my friend and her 2 cousins all stood around the other night and gossiped about how I must be pregnant because I wasnt drinking and because I had thrown up a few times that week. Let it be known, I an NOT pregnant. It wasnt only that, they said a heap of really terrible things about me and my boyfriend too. My friend was the worst. She is really jealous of me having a boyfriend while she doesnt, and made out like we were perfect now because we have a baby on the way and thats just great, we already play happy families, so now this just tops it. The way she said it, wow. She was so sarcastic, bitter and nasty about it. I have never heard her speak like that. I dont even know if I can call her a friend anymore.

Another thing that is driving me mental right now is the way they argue. It is terrible, the way they speak to each other. She calls her dad words I would never ever say to anyone who loves me as much as he loves her. Her dad walked out on her and her mother when she was only young and this man has stepped up and treated her like his own kid and she throws it back in his face on a daily basis. It is so hard to watch and it makes me miss my family so much.

Her and her mother are also really horrible to my boyfriend too. They stir him right up and always say sarcastic stuff to him. It makes me furious. The worst part is, I cant move out, that isnt an option. My boyfriend lives too far from my work and I cant afford to rent my own place. Its the worst.

People suck.

Thank you Universe :)

Just wanted to take a second to appreciate all the good things in my life right now. I am doing well with my degree, almost finished! I have an amazing group of friends, a good job and the best boyfriend I could have hoped for. He is so beautiful and I am so glad things have settled down between us now. I feel like we are in a really good place right now, and it makes me so happy. I have been stressed, run down and sick, but I have always got back up again. I am grateful for my health and my family too. I have some really amazing people in my life right now, and I am truly grateful for them. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. I am so glad I didn’t give up when things get hard. The hard times make the awesome times so much better. Like I said, there isn’t much to this post, for once I am almost problem free, I just wanted to say thanks to the Universe for the good things in my life right now :)

My love story…

I have been listening to a lot of music lately, I have been reading online articles and have been undertaking a journey of significant self-discovery where relationships are concerned. What I have come up with so far has both confused and scared me a bit. I don’t know what to make of my expectations or prior understandings of what constituted a relationship; what was involved in maintaining a relationship; the feelings involved, the uncertainty; and all the while, I wonder if it is normal or healthy or if everything I thought was gospel where relationships are concerned is completely wrong?

To be completely honest, I am in what I consider to be my first serious relationship. Not to sound too clichéd, but it just feels different to everything I have known in the past. He is sweet and honest and a good man, and seems to genuinely like me for me, which is a big first. He isn’t without his hang ups or problems; he like everyone else has a past. He gets moody and cranky and withdrawn at times. Sometimes he doesn’t appreciate me. And yet, there are other times when I literally have to pinch myself to know I am not dreaming. Being in his arms, kissing him, talking late at night in bed, going on dates, snuggling in the movies, having him surprise me, and getting to do nice things to surprise him make all the bad times worth it a million times over.

For what its worth, I feel that singers, people who make movies and internet blog writers have a lot to answer for in their portrayal of romance. It isn’t as easy and perfect and carefree as they paint it. There are some amazing highs that are on par with what these people sing and write about, but there are also some crashing lows that hurt you so deeply you wonder if you can ever pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. I guess the shock realisation of me being in a serious relationship coupled with the shock that not everything was sunshine and butterflies has rocked me a little. Big cracks have appeared in my knowledge or understanding of relationships. It isn’t the black and white I thought it was.

And of love; wow, that has rocked me the most. When I look at my boyfriend, I feel something so strong it is beyond words. I want to hold him, help him, heal his pain, erase the hurt of the past, reassure him and just generally take care of him. I would lay down and die for him without a second of hesitation. Sometimes I feel like he isn’t up to that stage yet, and it is fine with me. Another realisation I have had is there is no set timeline for doing things in relationships; no time limit for saying you love the other person, or going on a holiday, or moving in together, or anything like that. Every relationship is different in a vast and unique way, and drawing comparisons between relationships is doing yourself, your partner and your past a disservice.

Another shock; just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything that they have. In my relationship, my boyfriend has children and is in contact with their mother, his ex (obviously). He has struggled with being in a relationship with someone that isn’t her, and makes reference to her fairly often. It doesn’t upset me, but it makes me wonder sometimes if I will be enough for him, given that I am not her. I love him with all that I have, but I’m not and never will be her, and she isn’t coming back. At the same time, sometimes I feel my boyfriend is out of sync with me, and it goes both ways; he may be loving me with all he has, and sometimes I want/need more, but it doesn’t make me not love or appreciate him, it just shows me where we need to work on things.

The art of moving as slowly as possible in a relationship has gained a new understanding and appreciation in me. I am used to going a million miles an hour, riding rough shod over a relationship and expecting everyone and everything to keep up. Hell, you’re talking to the girl who got engaged after 4 and a half months. I am used to freaking out and running in the opposite direction at the slightest sniff of trouble, or hesitation from a man. Now I am much more relaxed about things. We have been dating officially 2 and a half months, and he hasn’t met my family yet, and I haven’t met his kids. And guess what? I am not stressed. I don’t feel any pressure to hurry that along. I don’t think it is an indication of his feelings for me for not introducing me to his kids yet. We are going slow. And it feels so good.

The interference of others is another massive factor in relationships, one I have learned the hard way. When people begin to interfere, lines get crossed, people get angry and things rapidly unravel. From now on, I am not going to discuss the important issues of our relationship with anyone, unless I trust them with my life. Things get way too complicated when people get involved, even if they mean well. Its just easier this way.

I guess what it comes down to is I crave perfection; I want the love story that all the country singers and movie people represent in their chosen media. I want the perfect boyfriend, with a perfect relationship, and everything to be happy and lovely all the time. I don’t want to feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when things go wrong, I don’t want to feel lonely or sad, and I don’t want there to be trouble, for me or anyone else. But I am a realist, and I know the reason why those idyllic circumstances exist in the media; its because the don’t and will never exist in the real world. Why? Because no one is perfect. I love my boyfriend, but he isn’t perfect. I know he adores me, and I am far from perfect. I think what it comes down to is dedication and loyalty.

Sometimes, people have a bad time of things; they may be moody or cranky or withdraw for no reason. But as a wise friend of mine once said, it all depends on what you define as being acceptable; by defining what you feel is acceptable conduct, you set guidelines for the behaviour you will tolerate, for how long and the reasons why. On the other hand, it will also provide a selection of behaviours you wont tolerate at all, and the severity of the consequences that may come as a result of such actions.

Of all the realisations I have had, the most profound has been that all relationships, regardless of their category or place in your life require some degree of work in order to maintain them. People need to feel appreciated and special, and that takes more effort with some people than it does with others. Sometimes, time is an issue; it may take longer to win some people over, or to make them understand how much you care for them. It all depends on the past, their expectations, insecurities and a vast majority of other things, unique to that person alone. When faced with a hard situation with a person you love there should only be one question you ask yourself, regardless of how hard things get. When things are horrible, take some time to yourself and ask yourself “Are they worth it?” if the answer is yes, be prepared to do whatever it takes to pull them out of the rut, or to help them feel better. If the answer was no, be honest with the person and be aware that in doing so, you will probably lose them forever.

I have been through some really trying times in the short time I have been with my boyfriend, and each time, I ask myself the same question, and the answer is always the same. He is worth it. He is worth the tears I have cried, he stress I have endured, the things I have missed out on to be with him, the money I have spent, the time I have given him, everything. He is worth it, and while I hope to never have such trying times again, I know if the worst were to happen, and those hard times returned, I would have no regrets or hesitation in doing the same thing all over again.

A random act of kindness…

Tonight I was the recipient of a random act of kindness. I have had a rough weekend, following the betrayal of a friend and a boyfriend who is not giving me what I deserve. As I sat in Mc’Donald’s crying, I noticed an old lady fussing with something in her purse with her back to me. I thought nothing of it and continued trying to have a conversation with my friend. As I sat with my head in my hands, she came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me what had made me so upset, to which I replied “Men”. She shook her head knowingly, patted me on the shoulder and said “I thought it might have been”. I then sat as she, a complete stranger began to tell me a list of positive things about me, that she could see just by looking at me. She complimented me on my skin and nose, and told me how beautiful I was and said I must have been a wonderful woman because I am so torn up over a man. She told me things will get better, and that I will find someone who truly deserves my tears. She then went on to explain her past and how she lost her husband, before meeting up and marrying another man who had also lost his spouse. She tried to explain the happiness she felt in finding companionship so late in life, but couldn’t. she told me of her daughters who had had their successes and failures in relationships, and told me that just because something goes wrong, it doesn’t mean it was a mistake, that it was part of life and a lesson to be learned. I can’t explain how touched I was that this lady seen I was upset, left her own partner and came and comforted a complete stranger. I have also come to realise that she spoke a lot of truth, truth that comes from the experiences of life, and they rang true to me without her knowing my life story. Before she left, she gave me one last pat on the shoulder and handed me a copy of the “Footprints” prayer from her bag, told me to always look on the sunny side of life and that things will get better. She gave me a knowing smile, with a tear in her eye and went back to her husband. She and her husband left before my friend and I did, and as they walked out, they both smiled, waved and told me things would get better. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic that I needed reassurance from a stranger, but I can’t explain how much better it made me feel. I am crying like crazy right now, but only because a stranger noticed the good in me, cared enough to come and tell me and had enough compassion to care about a random girl she didn’t know, who was crying in a fast food restaurant. I truly hope nothing but good things happen to her and her husband and family. I hope she lives a long happy life, full of love, hope and endless joy, because she has really made a difference to me, and has made me want to be a better person. Most importantly, she has seen the beauty in me and has told me I can do better, and that I deserve better if this is how my current circumstances are making me feel. She has given me a lot to think about and there will be some big changes being made after tonight. I am truly grateful.

Not a rant, but an epiphany…

Making promises I intend to keep…

For once, I am writing about positivity and self- awareness. There will be some negative aspects in the following, however I am for this to be largely positive and enlightening for when I decide to peruse my Tumblr posts again, months into the future.

Firstly, it has been impressed upon me, from reading my previous Tumblr posts, that I am a seriously unhappy kid. Which is true, to an extent. As I read back through the posts, they are full of sadness and pain, and it makes me cry. In my moments of reflection on the blog, I am being truly honest about how I feel, and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. It also isn’t the way I wish to continue. A common theme in the posts seems to be how I constantly put others before myself; their happiness, what they want, what they demand of me, whether directly or indirectly. Not once, did I write about what other people had done for me, or more importantly, what I was doing for myself. The only thing I was achieving was being stressed, sad and basically unhappy about so many things in my life. It is such a stupid waste now; I am so young, I have so much to live for and so many good things in my life right now, but none of that came through, as I had allowed the unhappiness of my situations take precedence over the good things in my life. It stops today.

Reading what I had written has actually really upset me and has shocked me out of this stupid negative cycle that has been going on for months now. No more. I’m not going to be a complete idiot and say that I am not going to be caring about anyone but myself anymore, as it is unrealistic and makes you a narcissist or something, and I’m pretty sure I’m not that. No, from now on, I am number one. What I want or need is no longer going to be put on the back burner, or made an option for me to consider when I am lucky enough to get some down time, it is going to be a priority. If I don’t look after myself, nobody else will. I have been blessed with an amazing family and some great friends, but realistically, they all have their own lives, and while this makes me feel somewhat lonely, I realise that everyone is in the same boat. Single, married, with kids or living on a deserted island, we as people can only truly depend on ourselves to fill our own needs, and placing the controls to our happiness in the hands of someone else is a reckless thing to do, and usually results in emotional hardship. As I sit here and write this down now; never again, will I ever place the control of my happiness in the hands of someone else, ever again.

From here on in, I am going to do everything in my power to be the bringer of happiness into my own life. I know there are going to be bad days, days when I feel like I cant get out of bed, and times when I would rather shut myself off from the world and just not bother with anyone, however there will also be some amazing times, times that show me exactly how lucky I am, and how much I have to live for. I am also going to follow the advice I have been sent in a random email from some website I signed up on who knows when. Basically, most of what they send is pure crap, however I have gained an interesting insight today, after reading their email. Basically, it talks about how you cant make a person love you, but you can make yourself a person who can be loved. To me, that was powerful because it made me see the stupidity in my need to make sure everyone else is ok and happy and fine. In doing that, I had completely disregarded myself. Not anymore.

I have a new-ish boyfriend. He has a complicated past that is making our relationship complicated. Again, reading what I have written about him, and what I have written about my most recent ex was alarmingly similar. I was and am doing everything for them. I am sacrificing the very essence of my being in order to try and make them happy. And for what? What have I gotten out of this? Absolutely nothing but anxiety, heartache and high blood pressure. So that stops today too. In taking the advice from the email, I am working on becoming someone people need in their lives. I no longer feel like I have to earn my place in his life. I am beautiful in my own right; I am smart, capable, driven and going places in my life. I have an amazing family that anyone would be lucky to be a part of. It makes me cry as I sit here and write this, as it feels like it is being written by a stranger, as I don’t often think of myself like that, but I am beginning to realise my self- worth. I have so much to live for and so many things to offer, and anyone who cant see that doesn’t deserve to be in my life. I am sick of recognising the gifts of others, and having nobody appreciate me. So I am killing 2 birds with 1 stone so to speak; I am giving myself the recognition I deserve, and I am not making time for people who don’t appreciate me the way I deserve. Its going to be hard, and will take so adjusting, but I feel like it will be easier to accept it and move on, rather than continue feeling like I don’t matter.

Another change that will be taking effect is my health, physical and mental. I am feeling like hell, mentally and physically and you don’t need to be a doctor to know it isn’t good for you. Today, I am making another promise to myself; no more stressing about what I cant change or control. No more being taken for granted. More exercise and healthy eating. And probably most importantly, more time for me to do the things I enjoy, as a way to unwind. This will be a daily occurrence. I am not aiming to be running marathons or achieving enlightenment; I will start with small changes, such as eating breakfast, starting my day with a workout and learning some meditation techniques to try and relieve some of the tension that has been a big part of me for the last little while.

I cant make people love me, and I cant control how other people behave; what I can do is be the best person I can be, and I can control how I react to situations, caused by myself, my circumstances or by other people. I am going to start counting my blessings every day. I have so many positive things in my life, I cant believe I have wasted so much time on negative shit. I am way too hard on myself, and it stops today. Let it be known, Saturday, the 3ist of August is the start of the new me. Compared to other people, I have it pretty good, and more importantly, I deserve to be happy. I am not trying to be conceited or full of myself, but I am so lucky in ways that would make other people jealous, and I am going to live my life the way it should be.

A few vague things I want to say to a few people in my life:

To my boyfriend; I have tried to give you all I can, and I love you with all my heart, however I am not happy right now, and recently, a large portion of my stress, anxiety and tears have come about as a direct result of your actions, or lack their-of. Whether you agree or not, I have so much to offer you, and I don’t feel that you appreciate me a lot of the time. I get that you have things going on, but your communication is poor and it makes me feel like you don’t care. You are on your last legs with me. There needs to be a massive improvement or I am going to go and find someone who appreciates me the way I deserve. I do all I can to make you feel loved and appreciated and get nothing back. It hurts me so much, more than I can say, and its like you don’t even care. It stops today. Like I said, I love you with all my heart and I want to be with you, but I want to be happy. I cant change your past, but I can make your present and future an amazing place if you let me.

To the Goddess; mate, when am I going to get a break? I am a good person, my heart is in the right place and I give a million per cent in everything I do, surely I deserve a streak of good luck, where everything from my personal relationships to my financial situation are the best they can be? I am not asking for much, just a break. I am tired of trying and getting nowhere, and seeing no rewards for my efforts. I am unhappy and unlucky in love and I am sick of being broke, I just want some time to re-coup so I can get back into another round of life, being the fighter that I am.

To my friends; thank you for being amazing. I wouldn’t be here without your love and support, it really means the world to me. I have been an emotional wreck of late, and you guys have bore the brunt of it, and it was both selfish and unfair of me to put that on you. I am striving for better in my life, and part of that involves me being a better friend. As I said, I really appreciate the support, and I will do my best to be a little less self- absorbed I the future.

To my amazing family; we have our ups and downs, but I know you are the few people who truly have my back. I have done and been through some terrible things, I have gone against your wishes and have gotten myself into trouble, and you have always been there to bail me out. I cant tell you how much you mean to me, and I am so lucky to be a part of this family.

To the world, and my past; sucked in, you haven’t broken me yet. That isn’t a challenge either. I’ll admit, you have come close on occasions, but you haven’t succeeded yet, and I don’t plan on giving up right now. I am learning that life is about change, and how we adapt to the change is what makes us who we are, and it shapes our experiences, thoughts, opinions, views and personalities. I am going to strive to roll with the punches with a smile on my face; I will do what I can to make things easy for myself and my family and friends if possible. But I refuse to give up. I need more from life, I don’t want more, I need more, and I am going to get it. I have been through enough and deserve to be happy, so I am going to chase that happiness and do what I can to live the rich life I deserve.

At breaking point..

Its been a long time coming, but finally, I am at breaking point. I am so stressed, broke, tired, sad, emotional, down and overwhelmed it isnt funny, and I am at the point of running until I am so far from all of it, no one could find me. The past few weeks have been high and low for me, gradually getting worse. Here is a list of some of the things that are getting me down right now:

1. So beyond sick of being broke. 2. Sick of uni. 3. I have feelings for someone who is amazing, and I have no idea how he feels for me, or what he wants, after spending the weekend together. 4. I have been betrayed by several friends, and this is getting really hard to bear, because I loved and trusted them, believing that they had my best interests at heart. 5. I am sick of being so broke I cant even afford to feed myself properly or to buy the groceries I need. 6. I feel so out of contact with all my family, like they dont really care, and that they dont have much time for me because I dont live with them anymore. 7. I feel really down on myself, no one appreciates me or what I do to help them, and I feel really alone. 8. I feel I have nowhere to go to get away from all of this. 9. I can feel my mental state slipping lower as I get more and more stressed. 10. I feel like I am going through a phase of self discovery or something, and its really confusing for me, I hate change and I can feel myself withdrawing further away fom people, which I dont think is very healthy. 11. It doesnt matter how hard I try, with anything and everything, I feel like Im just going backwards. 12. Long story short, I feel like I have nothing, am nothing, mean nothing to anyone and am going and getting nowhere with anything.

Its been a while since I have felt this sort of low, and I have to say its not pleasant. I am doing my best to stay positive and everything, but nothing seems to help, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, especially where uni is concerned. I need a break from everything to try and recover a bit. Its getting to the point where I stop myself fom thinking about most of the things mentioned above, as it either makes me angry, or makes me cry, or I feel dizzy or sick, and sometimes if it really stresses me out I get a combo of those things with heart palpitations too.

I am so desperately unhappy at the moment, and as poor as this is gonna sound, I am sick of being everyones friend, and of being a good person. I sit and listen to everyones issues, and get nothing back, when all I want to do is lash out at people who refuse to see that I need help more than they do, and that its really poor of them to put all their stress on me and not try to be half the friend to me, that I am to them. I just want to feel appreciated. I feel like no one really cares. I am feeling really used right now. I have no idea if this is the case or not, and I dont know how to find out. I just know I need a break really soon, because I cant keep doing this. I am sick of going to bed crying, or having to put on a brave face for people, or listening to the mindless shit people go on with, while trying to stay on top of uni, have successful relationships with people and deal with all the other things going on. I am honestly at the end of my tether.

I took my frustrations out on someone today. He didnt really deserve the way I spoke to him, but was deliberately unhelpful and I was really rude to him. I feel bad, but there isnt much I can do now.. I am sick of wanting and needing more from all aspects of my life, and just get dealt shit.

I would love, for just one day, that everything be about me, and that things go my way. I would love to be the girl who gets compliments off other people; who makes other girls jealous; who has conversations with nice, decent guys who are intrigued by her beauty and love just being around her; someone with no baggage and minimal stress; someone whose friends adore her, and would do anything to love and protect her, never doing the wrong thing by her, and hate seeing her unhappy; someone who knew their family loves and cares about them, and is thinking of them all the time, not just in a quiet moment where things are boring, and I’m just thrown in as an afterthought; I wanna be someone who spendis time with people who actively make time for her, not just have it all one way; someone who didnt have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, or wondering how many marks they needed to scrape a pass; someone who was with the love of her life, and felt secure in every aspect of life; someone who was balanced and happy, and who had plenty of things to look forward to; a girl who people wanted to make plans with; a girl who is confident and beautiful on the inside and out, and who knows it, not just the attitude I hide behind that people mistake for confidence or arrogance.

I just need more from life. I feel like I am getting a really raw deal, and as I said, things really need to change, because I am not coping and I cant stretch myself any further. I have nothing really left to say, other than I am thoroughly miserable, second guessing everything, lacking direction and insanely jealous of anyone who has things more together than I do. I am lost and I’m holding out for some sort of white knight to find me and make things turn around my way for a bit.

Where to begin?

To those who may or may not be following me here- this is another rant. I cant tell if people other than myself can read this, as I am still trying to work out how to use tumblr, and I’m failing miserably. However, I digress.

Today’s vent sesh is about people in general. It begins with a story which may or may not make sense, however it my blog, and I’ll write what I please. So this weekend, I went to this massive party with all my mates, and bought along my new guy. He is a big, shy guy and this wasnt his scene at all and was really kinda intimidated by it all. I bought him over and he met all my friends, and I thought it was all great. Wow, was I wrong.

I have been seeing my new guy for about 2 months, and until maybe a week or 2 ago, I hadnt told a soul, and for good reason. The last time I was with a man, all my friends got involved with their own agendas and it ended up being the end of us. So I have kept everything on the down low. So my new guy came and it was all great, or so I thought. Then the gossip started. This aggravated me to no end, as everyone at the party was over 20 years of age, and therefore should have behaved like the adults they are, as opposed to the childish, snarky jerks that they were. They drilled me for answers and information about this guy and when I told them to mind their own business, they went and tried to get info from other people.

Basically, this happened all weekend. It was so inappropriate and wrong, it made me wanna cry. Its like my friends cant stand to see me happy or something? My new guy has no idea what happened. As far as I know, they all liked him but the relentless gossip is starting to drive me crazy. I am feeling so lost right now its scary. I really like this guy and I dont know where things stand with him, my friends are being awful about it, and on top of it all I have uni and all that, I just need a break?

I dont know what to do or who to turn to, all I know is that I am sick of feeling unhappy and hurt, I just wanna be looked after for once, and have no worries or stress. I want someone to be there for me and give me 100% like I give to everyone else. I have been thru enough and I’m starting to wonder again why I am here. I dont wanna be a shit kicker for everyone else, I wanna be happy and successful and in love, not the way I am now. I know it wont stay this way forever, but right now it feels like it wont end, and it really has to soon, coz I cant take much more of it. Its diving me crazy.

Rant Time! (Yeeeeeeew!)

Its been a while, but I’m baaaaaack! Ok. Like everything I write, its gonna be crazy and probably make no sense, but you get that on the big jobs ;)

The first thing I wanna talk about is relationships. Im sorry, but I have well and truly had a gutfull of other people. All the pointless drama makes me crook sometimes. Its a total double standard. I am feeling really alone and isolated right now- I feel like no one really cares, and that I have no one to talk to. I have heaps of friends, but I dont want to be a burden to them. I guess I just feel really out of touch right now. I am so sick of being alone, I just want something more in my life; I dont know what that is, if its a boyfriend or a closer relationship with someone, but I havent felt like this before and it is really starting to get me down.

Secondly, I wanna talk about stress. Oh. Em. Gee. I am so sick of being so stressed. I feel like I am doing all I can to get good marks and I am getting nowhere! I had no idea this would be so hard, but it is, and I hate it, and I need a break more than I can say. I am sick of worrying about money, other people, getting assessments done, keeping people happy and trying to stay sane, I am just getting worse. And it is adding to the feelings of isolation I am having.

Finally, I am tired. Im tired of things not going my way, tired of having no sleep, tired of trying my best and getting nowhere, tired of trying to help people and getting nothing in return and tired of the day to day crap. Most of all I am tired of being alone and unappreciated. I need a break and cat take one, it isnt possible right now, and the thought of that makes me so crazy! I am tired of feeling the only place I have to vent how I am feeling is here, because my friends are all preoccupied; whether it is me being pushed to the side by a new relationship, being busy with an older relationship that had run its course bfore it had begun or just being to wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone else, its the story of my life right now. I havent felt so down for ages!

I dont think I am asking for much. I listen to my favourite country music and while it used to make me feel great, I feel kinda sad when I hear certain songs, not because they remind me of anything or anyone in particular, it makes me see what is lacking in my life, and how desperately I want it. I want to be happy and healthy, but I am not there yet and it sucks.. I have so much love to give, and no one wants it. Its depressing.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after that, I am going to try and sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day, with better results, better feelings and better people.

The mind wanderings of mice and men..

Again, another random vent.. But I guess its old news now. I’ll try to be brief, if I may. And again, its about men, my interactions, thoughts and relationships with men. I will be the first to admit I have a love-hate relationship with social media; love to use it, hate to be without it; typical Gen Y here. And tonight, as I have a quick look before bed, my eye is caught by new pictures of an attractive young man, to which I previously had an affinity for. Its been a while since I seen him, much less talked to him, and as I peruse his photos, my mind wanders back to the last few times I had seen him, and to my surprise, the old feelings began rising to the surface again. I couldnt make head or tail of it; previously I had repressed those feelings, as he is the brother of a dear friend of mine, and is so popular and well liked; he is way outta my league. But it got me thinking about other men I had been involved with; I have had my fair share of men who are terrible, however I have been gifted with friendships with some truly wonderful men, and it made me think; why has nothing more become of our relationships? Its not incompatibility, as we are still really close. Is it a case of the right person at the wrong time? Whatever the reason, as I continued to think, I felt a familiar burn of loneliness in my chest, and I began to questio myself, however, this was a far from negative experience. Once upon a time, I would mentally run from self reflection or self evaluation; I always seemed to find faults with myself, and always found myself blaming me for what went wrong or our incompatibility. So I was unwilling to continue with this thought process, however, I warily proceeded, and what I discovered shocked me. I have grown so much since my last break up! In a somewhat arrogant apporach, I turned the tables; clearly these men couldnt see what was in front of them. I am far from perfect, but I am not a total write off; I have many very desirable characteristics, and am attractive in my own way. I also have realised for the first time, that I dont actually need verification from men, that I am a good person. Of course, when faced with heart ache, I would proclaim loudly to my friends that I dont need a man to know I am a good person, but deep down, I always knew this wasnt entirely true, and that I was lying to them and myself. Not tonight! I didnt even go there. And when I forced myself to think about it, I realised there isnt anything fundamentally wrong with me; I am fine. And things dont work out because it wasnt mant to be. I am a big believer in fate; I believe in soul mates, and while I ache for the man in the photos, he isnt interested in me, and I have no hope, as he is way outta my league, and is the brother of one of my best mates, so hes off limits anyway. I know that if it were meant to be, it would or will happen. No point stressing about it. And f it doesnt happen? I guess it just means I am meant for better things. I could be a total pessimist and say I’m gonna die alone or whatever, but I just know it wont happen. As strange as this sounds, I know something big is gonna happen, and I am ready for it. I have felt it building for a while now and I know something big and life changing is about to happen to me, in regards to love. I know that while I might not understand or hate hurting, I know its for the best, and that everything happens for a reason, and I am ok with that. So yeah, thats pretty much it really. My 10 cents worth for tonight.

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