Its been a long time coming, but finally, I am at breaking point. I am so stressed, broke, tired, sad, emotional, down and overwhelmed it isnt funny, and I am at the point of running until I am so far from all of it, no one could find me. The past few weeks have been high and low for me, gradually getting worse. Here is a list of some of the things that are getting me down right now:

1. So beyond sick of being broke. 2. Sick of uni. 3. I have feelings for someone who is amazing, and I have no idea how he feels for me, or what he wants, after spending the weekend together. 4. I have been betrayed by several friends, and this is getting really hard to bear, because I loved and trusted them, believing that they had my best interests at heart. 5. I am sick of being so broke I cant even afford to feed myself properly or to buy the groceries I need. 6. I feel so out of contact with all my family, like they dont really care, and that they dont have much time for me because I dont live with them anymore. 7. I feel really down on myself, no one appreciates me or what I do to help them, and I feel really alone. 8. I feel I have nowhere to go to get away from all of this. 9. I can feel my mental state slipping lower as I get more and more stressed. 10. I feel like I am going through a phase of self discovery or something, and its really confusing for me, I hate change and I can feel myself withdrawing further away fom people, which I dont think is very healthy. 11. It doesnt matter how hard I try, with anything and everything, I feel like Im just going backwards. 12. Long story short, I feel like I have nothing, am nothing, mean nothing to anyone and am going and getting nowhere with anything.

Its been a while since I have felt this sort of low, and I have to say its not pleasant. I am doing my best to stay positive and everything, but nothing seems to help, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, especially where uni is concerned. I need a break from everything to try and recover a bit. Its getting to the point where I stop myself fom thinking about most of the things mentioned above, as it either makes me angry, or makes me cry, or I feel dizzy or sick, and sometimes if it really stresses me out I get a combo of those things with heart palpitations too.

I am so desperately unhappy at the moment, and as poor as this is gonna sound, I am sick of being everyones friend, and of being a good person. I sit and listen to everyones issues, and get nothing back, when all I want to do is lash out at people who refuse to see that I need help more than they do, and that its really poor of them to put all their stress on me and not try to be half the friend to me, that I am to them. I just want to feel appreciated. I feel like no one really cares. I am feeling really used right now. I have no idea if this is the case or not, and I dont know how to find out. I just know I need a break really soon, because I cant keep doing this. I am sick of going to bed crying, or having to put on a brave face for people, or listening to the mindless shit people go on with, while trying to stay on top of uni, have successful relationships with people and deal with all the other things going on. I am honestly at the end of my tether.

I took my frustrations out on someone today. He didnt really deserve the way I spoke to him, but was deliberately unhelpful and I was really rude to him. I feel bad, but there isnt much I can do now.. I am sick of wanting and needing more from all aspects of my life, and just get dealt shit.

I would love, for just one day, that everything be about me, and that things go my way. I would love to be the girl who gets compliments off other people; who makes other girls jealous; who has conversations with nice, decent guys who are intrigued by her beauty and love just being around her; someone with no baggage and minimal stress; someone whose friends adore her, and would do anything to love and protect her, never doing the wrong thing by her, and hate seeing her unhappy; someone who knew their family loves and cares about them, and is thinking of them all the time, not just in a quiet moment where things are boring, and I’m just thrown in as an afterthought; I wanna be someone who spendis time with people who actively make time for her, not just have it all one way; someone who didnt have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, or wondering how many marks they needed to scrape a pass; someone who was with the love of her life, and felt secure in every aspect of life; someone who was balanced and happy, and who had plenty of things to look forward to; a girl who people wanted to make plans with; a girl who is confident and beautiful on the inside and out, and who knows it, not just the attitude I hide behind that people mistake for confidence or arrogance.

I just need more from life. I feel like I am getting a really raw deal, and as I said, things really need to change, because I am not coping and I cant stretch myself any further. I have nothing really left to say, other than I am thoroughly miserable, second guessing everything, lacking direction and insanely jealous of anyone who has things more together than I do. I am lost and I’m holding out for some sort of white knight to find me and make things turn around my way for a bit.

To those who may or may not be following me here- this is another rant. I cant tell if people other than myself can read this, as I am still trying to work out how to use tumblr, and I’m failing miserably. However, I digress.

Today’s vent sesh is about people in general. It begins with a story which may or may not make sense, however it my blog, and I’ll write what I please. So this weekend, I went to this massive party with all my mates, and bought along my new guy. He is a big, shy guy and this wasnt his scene at all and was really kinda intimidated by it all. I bought him over and he met all my friends, and I thought it was all great. Wow, was I wrong.

I have been seeing my new guy for about 2 months, and until maybe a week or 2 ago, I hadnt told a soul, and for good reason. The last time I was with a man, all my friends got involved with their own agendas and it ended up being the end of us. So I have kept everything on the down low. So my new guy came and it was all great, or so I thought. Then the gossip started. This aggravated me to no end, as everyone at the party was over 20 years of age, and therefore should have behaved like the adults they are, as opposed to the childish, snarky jerks that they were. They drilled me for answers and information about this guy and when I told them to mind their own business, they went and tried to get info from other people.

Basically, this happened all weekend. It was so inappropriate and wrong, it made me wanna cry. Its like my friends cant stand to see me happy or something? My new guy has no idea what happened. As far as I know, they all liked him but the relentless gossip is starting to drive me crazy. I am feeling so lost right now its scary. I really like this guy and I dont know where things stand with him, my friends are being awful about it, and on top of it all I have uni and all that, I just need a break?

I dont know what to do or who to turn to, all I know is that I am sick of feeling unhappy and hurt, I just wanna be looked after for once, and have no worries or stress. I want someone to be there for me and give me 100% like I give to everyone else. I have been thru enough and I’m starting to wonder again why I am here. I dont wanna be a shit kicker for everyone else, I wanna be happy and successful and in love, not the way I am now. I know it wont stay this way forever, but right now it feels like it wont end, and it really has to soon, coz I cant take much more of it. Its diving me crazy.

Its been a while, but I’m baaaaaack! Ok. Like everything I write, its gonna be crazy and probably make no sense, but you get that on the big jobs ;)

The first thing I wanna talk about is relationships. Im sorry, but I have well and truly had a gutfull of other people. All the pointless drama makes me crook sometimes. Its a total double standard. I am feeling really alone and isolated right now- I feel like no one really cares, and that I have no one to talk to. I have heaps of friends, but I dont want to be a burden to them. I guess I just feel really out of touch right now. I am so sick of being alone, I just want something more in my life; I dont know what that is, if its a boyfriend or a closer relationship with someone, but I havent felt like this before and it is really starting to get me down.

Secondly, I wanna talk about stress. Oh. Em. Gee. I am so sick of being so stressed. I feel like I am doing all I can to get good marks and I am getting nowhere! I had no idea this would be so hard, but it is, and I hate it, and I need a break more than I can say. I am sick of worrying about money, other people, getting assessments done, keeping people happy and trying to stay sane, I am just getting worse. And it is adding to the feelings of isolation I am having.

Finally, I am tired. Im tired of things not going my way, tired of having no sleep, tired of trying my best and getting nowhere, tired of trying to help people and getting nothing in return and tired of the day to day crap. Most of all I am tired of being alone and unappreciated. I need a break and cat take one, it isnt possible right now, and the thought of that makes me so crazy! I am tired of feeling the only place I have to vent how I am feeling is here, because my friends are all preoccupied; whether it is me being pushed to the side by a new relationship, being busy with an older relationship that had run its course bfore it had begun or just being to wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone else, its the story of my life right now. I havent felt so down for ages!

I dont think I am asking for much. I listen to my favourite country music and while it used to make me feel great, I feel kinda sad when I hear certain songs, not because they remind me of anything or anyone in particular, it makes me see what is lacking in my life, and how desperately I want it. I want to be happy and healthy, but I am not there yet and it sucks.. I have so much love to give, and no one wants it. Its depressing.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after that, I am going to try and sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day, with better results, better feelings and better people.

Again, another random vent.. But I guess its old news now. I’ll try to be brief, if I may. And again, its about men, my interactions, thoughts and relationships with men. I will be the first to admit I have a love-hate relationship with social media; love to use it, hate to be without it; typical Gen Y here. And tonight, as I have a quick look before bed, my eye is caught by new pictures of an attractive young man, to which I previously had an affinity for. Its been a while since I seen him, much less talked to him, and as I peruse his photos, my mind wanders back to the last few times I had seen him, and to my surprise, the old feelings began rising to the surface again. I couldnt make head or tail of it; previously I had repressed those feelings, as he is the brother of a dear friend of mine, and is so popular and well liked; he is way outta my league. But it got me thinking about other men I had been involved with; I have had my fair share of men who are terrible, however I have been gifted with friendships with some truly wonderful men, and it made me think; why has nothing more become of our relationships? Its not incompatibility, as we are still really close. Is it a case of the right person at the wrong time? Whatever the reason, as I continued to think, I felt a familiar burn of loneliness in my chest, and I began to questio myself, however, this was a far from negative experience. Once upon a time, I would mentally run from self reflection or self evaluation; I always seemed to find faults with myself, and always found myself blaming me for what went wrong or our incompatibility. So I was unwilling to continue with this thought process, however, I warily proceeded, and what I discovered shocked me. I have grown so much since my last break up! In a somewhat arrogant apporach, I turned the tables; clearly these men couldnt see what was in front of them. I am far from perfect, but I am not a total write off; I have many very desirable characteristics, and am attractive in my own way. I also have realised for the first time, that I dont actually need verification from men, that I am a good person. Of course, when faced with heart ache, I would proclaim loudly to my friends that I dont need a man to know I am a good person, but deep down, I always knew this wasnt entirely true, and that I was lying to them and myself. Not tonight! I didnt even go there. And when I forced myself to think about it, I realised there isnt anything fundamentally wrong with me; I am fine. And things dont work out because it wasnt mant to be. I am a big believer in fate; I believe in soul mates, and while I ache for the man in the photos, he isnt interested in me, and I have no hope, as he is way outta my league, and is the brother of one of my best mates, so hes off limits anyway. I know that if it were meant to be, it would or will happen. No point stressing about it. And f it doesnt happen? I guess it just means I am meant for better things. I could be a total pessimist and say I’m gonna die alone or whatever, but I just know it wont happen. As strange as this sounds, I know something big is gonna happen, and I am ready for it. I have felt it building for a while now and I know something big and life changing is about to happen to me, in regards to love. I know that while I might not understand or hate hurting, I know its for the best, and that everything happens for a reason, and I am ok with that. So yeah, thats pretty much it really. My 10 cents worth for tonight.

So judging my past posts, it would be fair for one to assume that I am not a happy individual. And you would be right with that assumption. This is yet another vent, in what will probably be a ginormous list by the time I get over it or whatever.. Whats up this time? Everything at the moment. My life is a crazy, crazy place to be right now, and as much as it kills me to admit it, I’m struggling. Between things being crazy at home, to being broke, being flat out at uni and being treated like a doormat by people who are supposed to be my friends, my life isnt a happy place right now. Most of the time I feel like I’m giving a million percent and I’m just getting nowhere with it. I feel like I want more from my life, and try as I might, I just get more and more crap. I dont know how much longer I can keep it up; I already feel like I am losing my grip a little, and I am pulling away from people again too, which I know isnt healthy.. Its a coping mechanism I guess. I am lonely as hell too.. Like I want someone to call my own and build a future with, but its so hard to find someone like that, let alone find someone who likes you for you.. Its getting old, this being single business. I just want someone there, you know? I guess I just want someone in my corner, who I love and trust and is there because they want to be, not because they feel they have to be. I am sick of getting hurt too.. Its really bad sometimes, like I try to treat people with love and respect and I dont get it back. I dont take care of my friends to gain recognition or anything, I do it because they are my friends, but for once, I would like it back. I feel like I have no one, and I am tired of being alone. I just wanna spend time with people who care. I also feel like I need to leave for a bit. Go find somewhere up the coast and just go, spend some time alone on the beach, looking at the waves or something. I need time out. I havent been this stressed or sad in a long time, and I really hate it. I’ll cope but things need to improve quickly.

So this is my rant for the week. And as awful as this is gonna sound, its about being unhappy and the place other people play in that. I’m gonna start by saying I am over people who are so ridiculpusly in love with each other. I am not about to begrudge anyone for being happy, this isnt what this is about, but I am so sick of feeling like I am treading on toes around couples because I’m single. It was never supposed to be like this. I was happy 3 months ago. Now it seems everyone else around me is happily paired up and no one wants a bar of me. I am so unhappy, and feel so ugly and unwanted, I try to keep thinking there is someone really special out there for me, and that hes going to come along really soon, but it just isnt happening, and I feel so unwanted. I am a good person. I work hard and I am going to be making something of my life, I am smart and caring and a good person, and I have faith in myself, I know I would make a man really happy, yet none have come along. I’m tired of being lonely.

And another thing: friends. Or people who pretend to be friends and just dont act like it. I am sick of being a good friend to everyone, and getting nothing back. I try so hard to make everyone happ, to give them all I can and to ensure they are looked after, and all I get is used and abused. I dont do the things I do for my friends and expect anything for it, other than them being good friends to me when I need it. I drop everything to help people, and no one cares. I am sick of being there for people and are just treated like a doormat. I am sick of being unhappy.

I am also tired of feeling helpless. I cant change these things, and neither can anyone else. I am literally helpless, powerless at the hands of fate. I have to wait til this all falls into place for me. Or at least hope it does. I am sick of feeling this way, of hoping for the best and having it all just crumble around me. I deserve to be happy. The hasnt been a time in my life where I have ben truly happy. I have been close, but nothing has completely taken me over the edge with happiness, tumbling around caught up in the experience without a care in the world, no reservations. I want to feel that. I dont know how to think properly about this, I dont want to be crying all the time like I am now, or feel stabs of pain or jealousy when I see two people in love, or want to not speak to my friends because I cant handle it. I have suffered alot in my short life and I am starting to wonder why I am here, as things just seem to be going from bad to worse, and never improving.

I am also sick of nasty using guys! Man, how hard is it to have a decent, single and available man come into your life, and want more from you? Seriously?! I have all but given up on that happening, all the decent single guys in my life dont want someone like me, they never show any interest and always want the skinnier, pretty girls, the tarts who use their bodies to get what the want, while myself and other normal girls miss out. Its so offensive to me, and I am over the double standard, because guess what? All the decent single guys would be lucky to make it to a 5/10 yet they judge us for not being pretty enough or skinny enough. Figure that out.

I am in a pretty negative headspace right now; I am struggling to care about anyone or anything, and its not me. My problem is that I care too much; I care too much about other people and not enough about myself, and in doing that, I leave myself open for attack. The fact of the matter is, no one cares about anyone but themselves. Sometimes I wish, with every fibre of my being, that I could be like them. That I could be selfish as hell and care about no one but myself; do nothing for anyone else if I wasnt going to benefit from it. But I cant, its not in my nature, and it makes me hate myself for it, because all it does is garauntee, 100% that I’m gonna be the one who is hurt and used by other people. And I truly resent that.

Ahhhh men. Men, men, men. Cant live with them, and cant live without them. As of 3 months ago today in fact, I am a single lady. If you have been following my previous posts, you will know there have been a couple of hiccoughs along the way, but my ex is now firmly in the past, and will be staying there, where exs belong. And since I have been single, I havent been looking for a man or anything, however some of my friends have decided to try and set me up with guys, which I’m fine with, I’m getting used to apologizing for them causing awkward moments for me, but whatever. A chick who is new on the scene, one of my males mates’ new girlfriends knows this guy, and has been trying really hard to set us up. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I’m actually kinda into him. I have copped a merciless ribbing from all my mates, who know of the conspiracy to get us together, but I will admit, I am starting to see that I could have, and have done a lot worse than him. He is sweet, kind, funny, hard working, honest, genuine, nice and so many other lovely things. And its here I cue in my poor self esteem and anxiety issues. I wanna get to know him alot better, but I dunno, I guess I kinda doubt myself when it comes to talking to men? Everyone thinks I’m so confident and I’m really not, I’m usually terrified or anxious and the guy is so amazing, I dunno what to do about it? I’m not skinny, but on paper, I have plenty to offer a guy, my girl friends are always jealous because I just seem to have a way with guys and the way I talk to them, but those guys are all my friends, I dont want more from them, not like what I want from this guy. I dont even think he knows who I am? We have loads of mutual friends and see each other at least once a week, but its never a deep conversation between us or anything? I could go on like this for hours, but the fact of the matter is, I want more from this man, and have no idea how to get it, and that kinda upsets me. I know I am young, but I’m still learning, and wish I could learn faster! He fits alot of the criteria I have for potential dates, I just dont know how to get it that far..

So I’m going to plead temporary insanity for the last few posts, as I must be stark raving mad to even consider giving my ex a second chance. A lot has changed for me this past week; I can feel myself growing, and come out of a nutty week, a little battered and bruised emotionally, but with my head straighter than it has been since new years. The past week has seen me angry, scared, vulnerable, frustrated, miserable, anxious and generally unhappy. And as much as I hate to admit it, it reminded me of how I felt when we were together, and as much as I hate to admit it, it made my mind up for me. I didnt need this; it was better in the past. By choosing to go back down that road, I was choosing to be unhappy again and I really resented feeling that way all the time. So I have decided to leave the past in the past; I am moving on and it feels amazing :) I am surrounded by people who truly love me and who I love right back, and for now that is enough for me. I want a nice guy and who knows what will happen, but for now I am content with my life :) I am going partying this weekend and I cant wait to enjoy myself, surrounded by all my friends :) So very happy right now :)

As the heading suggests, I have just played my last card.. To my followers, you will know I am still reeling from the break down of the relationship I had with someone who was the closest I have come to understanding the term “Soulmate”. To cut a long story short, things ended less than 4 months ago, and I have recently found out why.We had had minimal contact since then, and I have just literally bared my soul to him. I havent cried so much in year as what I have cried the last 2 weeks. I dont know how my place isnt under a rolling tide of my tears. I love him so much it makes me cry just thinking about it. I could haveleft it, and left sleeping dogs lie, and to an extent I am satisfied and proud of myself for taking the high road and trying to make things right, but I had no idea it would be so hard, or so emotional. Is it bad you only realise exactl how much you love a person when they arent in your life anymore? I always loved him.. That I know for sure, but I had no idea what it felt like to be kept up at night with your stomach in knots, your heart beating frantically and your mind spinning, just thinking of ways to make things right with someone, worrying about them, wondering if they are ok, or happy, or if they have thought of you.. Its always the way I guess. However, now I know I have done my absolute best; I have played my last card and made my last move.. If what I have just done isnt enough to at least get him talking to me again, as much as it hurts, I guess I have no choice but to leave it. There is only so much a person can do, I am not the “go to your house” stalker type- I would never invade his space or disrespect him in such a way. My feelings have been made clear from now. I feel physically sick, I have a weight on my chest that refuses to move and my mind is still spinning, but I am kinda relaxed as I know there is nothing more I can do. I have told him if he wants to be in contact with me, he has to do that, and that whatever he decides, I will respect it.. I just hope he wants to try again.. He is too beautiful to be single, and deserves love more than anyone else I know. He has been through too much to be hurt anymore, and all I want to do is look after him and protect him from the badness in the world. Just thinking aout that now is making me cry.. I dont know how many people read this, or if anyone can see it, but I swear to whoever can see this, any divine beings, and to myself, if I am fortunate enough to win a second chance with this man, I will do whatever I can to make him happy, and celebrate him every time I see him; I will love and protect him and never, ever let him down. I will make him feel like the luckiest man in the world and I will never, ever let him go. If I was given the choice of giving him up, r giving up everything I owned, I would be broke, homeless, carless and with no material possessions, but I would be the happiest woman in the world to have him. To me, in him lies the value and richness I want my life to have. I just hope he sees that.