Its been a long time coming, but finally, I am at breaking point. I am so stressed, broke, tired, sad, emotional, down and overwhelmed it isnt funny, and I am at the point of running until I am so far from all of it, no one could find me. The past few weeks have been high and low for me, gradually getting worse. Here is a list of some of the things that are getting me down right now:
1. So beyond sick of being broke. 2. Sick of uni. 3. I have feelings for someone who is amazing, and I have no idea how he feels for me, or what he wants, after spending the weekend together. 4. I have been betrayed by several friends, and this is getting really hard to bear, because I loved and trusted them, believing that they had my best interests at heart. 5. I am sick of being so broke I cant even afford to feed myself properly or to buy the groceries I need. 6. I feel so out of contact with all my family, like they dont really care, and that they dont have much time for me because I dont live with them anymore. 7. I feel really down on myself, no one appreciates me or what I do to help them, and I feel really alone. 8. I feel I have nowhere to go to get away from all of this. 9. I can feel my mental state slipping lower as I get more and more stressed. 10. I feel like I am going through a phase of self discovery or something, and its really confusing for me, I hate change and I can feel myself withdrawing further away fom people, which I dont think is very healthy. 11. It doesnt matter how hard I try, with anything and everything, I feel like Im just going backwards. 12. Long story short, I feel like I have nothing, am nothing, mean nothing to anyone and am going and getting nowhere with anything.
Its been a while since I have felt this sort of low, and I have to say its not pleasant. I am doing my best to stay positive and everything, but nothing seems to help, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, especially where uni is concerned. I need a break from everything to try and recover a bit. Its getting to the point where I stop myself fom thinking about most of the things mentioned above, as it either makes me angry, or makes me cry, or I feel dizzy or sick, and sometimes if it really stresses me out I get a combo of those things with heart palpitations too.
I am so desperately unhappy at the moment, and as poor as this is gonna sound, I am sick of being everyones friend, and of being a good person. I sit and listen to everyones issues, and get nothing back, when all I want to do is lash out at people who refuse to see that I need help more than they do, and that its really poor of them to put all their stress on me and not try to be half the friend to me, that I am to them. I just want to feel appreciated. I feel like no one really cares. I am feeling really used right now. I have no idea if this is the case or not, and I dont know how to find out. I just know I need a break really soon, because I cant keep doing this. I am sick of going to bed crying, or having to put on a brave face for people, or listening to the mindless shit people go on with, while trying to stay on top of uni, have successful relationships with people and deal with all the other things going on. I am honestly at the end of my tether.
I took my frustrations out on someone today. He didnt really deserve the way I spoke to him, but was deliberately unhelpful and I was really rude to him. I feel bad, but there isnt much I can do now.. I am sick of wanting and needing more from all aspects of my life, and just get dealt shit.
I would love, for just one day, that everything be about me, and that things go my way. I would love to be the girl who gets compliments off other people; who makes other girls jealous; who has conversations with nice, decent guys who are intrigued by her beauty and love just being around her; someone with no baggage and minimal stress; someone whose friends adore her, and would do anything to love and protect her, never doing the wrong thing by her, and hate seeing her unhappy; someone who knew their family loves and cares about them, and is thinking of them all the time, not just in a quiet moment where things are boring, and I’m just thrown in as an afterthought; I wanna be someone who spendis time with people who actively make time for her, not just have it all one way; someone who didnt have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck, or wondering how many marks they needed to scrape a pass; someone who was with the love of her life, and felt secure in every aspect of life; someone who was balanced and happy, and who had plenty of things to look forward to; a girl who people wanted to make plans with; a girl who is confident and beautiful on the inside and out, and who knows it, not just the attitude I hide behind that people mistake for confidence or arrogance.
I just need more from life. I feel like I am getting a really raw deal, and as I said, things really need to change, because I am not coping and I cant stretch myself any further. I have nothing really left to say, other than I am thoroughly miserable, second guessing everything, lacking direction and insanely jealous of anyone who has things more together than I do. I am lost and I’m holding out for some sort of white knight to find me and make things turn around my way for a bit.