Making promises I intend to keep…
For once, I am writing about positivity and self- awareness. There will be some negative aspects in the following, however I am for this to be largely positive and enlightening for when I decide to peruse my Tumblr posts again, months into the future.
Firstly, it has been impressed upon me, from reading my previous Tumblr posts, that I am a seriously unhappy kid. Which is true, to an extent. As I read back through the posts, they are full of sadness and pain, and it makes me cry. In my moments of reflection on the blog, I am being truly honest about how I feel, and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. It also isn’t the way I wish to continue. A common theme in the posts seems to be how I constantly put others before myself; their happiness, what they want, what they demand of me, whether directly or indirectly. Not once, did I write about what other people had done for me, or more importantly, what I was doing for myself. The only thing I was achieving was being stressed, sad and basically unhappy about so many things in my life. It is such a stupid waste now; I am so young, I have so much to live for and so many good things in my life right now, but none of that came through, as I had allowed the unhappiness of my situations take precedence over the good things in my life. It stops today.
Reading what I had written has actually really upset me and has shocked me out of this stupid negative cycle that has been going on for months now. No more. I’m not going to be a complete idiot and say that I am not going to be caring about anyone but myself anymore, as it is unrealistic and makes you a narcissist or something, and I’m pretty sure I’m not that. No, from now on, I am number one. What I want or need is no longer going to be put on the back burner, or made an option for me to consider when I am lucky enough to get some down time, it is going to be a priority. If I don’t look after myself, nobody else will. I have been blessed with an amazing family and some great friends, but realistically, they all have their own lives, and while this makes me feel somewhat lonely, I realise that everyone is in the same boat. Single, married, with kids or living on a deserted island, we as people can only truly depend on ourselves to fill our own needs, and placing the controls to our happiness in the hands of someone else is a reckless thing to do, and usually results in emotional hardship. As I sit here and write this down now; never again, will I ever place the control of my happiness in the hands of someone else, ever again.
From here on in, I am going to do everything in my power to be the bringer of happiness into my own life. I know there are going to be bad days, days when I feel like I cant get out of bed, and times when I would rather shut myself off from the world and just not bother with anyone, however there will also be some amazing times, times that show me exactly how lucky I am, and how much I have to live for. I am also going to follow the advice I have been sent in a random email from some website I signed up on who knows when. Basically, most of what they send is pure crap, however I have gained an interesting insight today, after reading their email. Basically, it talks about how you cant make a person love you, but you can make yourself a person who can be loved. To me, that was powerful because it made me see the stupidity in my need to make sure everyone else is ok and happy and fine. In doing that, I had completely disregarded myself. Not anymore.
I have a new-ish boyfriend. He has a complicated past that is making our relationship complicated. Again, reading what I have written about him, and what I have written about my most recent ex was alarmingly similar. I was and am doing everything for them. I am sacrificing the very essence of my being in order to try and make them happy. And for what? What have I gotten out of this? Absolutely nothing but anxiety, heartache and high blood pressure. So that stops today too. In taking the advice from the email, I am working on becoming someone people need in their lives. I no longer feel like I have to earn my place in his life. I am beautiful in my own right; I am smart, capable, driven and going places in my life. I have an amazing family that anyone would be lucky to be a part of. It makes me cry as I sit here and write this, as it feels like it is being written by a stranger, as I don’t often think of myself like that, but I am beginning to realise my self- worth. I have so much to live for and so many things to offer, and anyone who cant see that doesn’t deserve to be in my life. I am sick of recognising the gifts of others, and having nobody appreciate me. So I am killing 2 birds with 1 stone so to speak; I am giving myself the recognition I deserve, and I am not making time for people who don’t appreciate me the way I deserve. Its going to be hard, and will take so adjusting, but I feel like it will be easier to accept it and move on, rather than continue feeling like I don’t matter.
Another change that will be taking effect is my health, physical and mental. I am feeling like hell, mentally and physically and you don’t need to be a doctor to know it isn’t good for you. Today, I am making another promise to myself; no more stressing about what I cant change or control. No more being taken for granted. More exercise and healthy eating. And probably most importantly, more time for me to do the things I enjoy, as a way to unwind. This will be a daily occurrence. I am not aiming to be running marathons or achieving enlightenment; I will start with small changes, such as eating breakfast, starting my day with a workout and learning some meditation techniques to try and relieve some of the tension that has been a big part of me for the last little while.
I cant make people love me, and I cant control how other people behave; what I can do is be the best person I can be, and I can control how I react to situations, caused by myself, my circumstances or by other people. I am going to start counting my blessings every day. I have so many positive things in my life, I cant believe I have wasted so much time on negative shit. I am way too hard on myself, and it stops today. Let it be known, Saturday, the 3ist of August is the start of the new me. Compared to other people, I have it pretty good, and more importantly, I deserve to be happy. I am not trying to be conceited or full of myself, but I am so lucky in ways that would make other people jealous, and I am going to live my life the way it should be.
A few vague things I want to say to a few people in my life:
To my boyfriend; I have tried to give you all I can, and I love you with all my heart, however I am not happy right now, and recently, a large portion of my stress, anxiety and tears have come about as a direct result of your actions, or lack their-of. Whether you agree or not, I have so much to offer you, and I don’t feel that you appreciate me a lot of the time. I get that you have things going on, but your communication is poor and it makes me feel like you don’t care. You are on your last legs with me. There needs to be a massive improvement or I am going to go and find someone who appreciates me the way I deserve. I do all I can to make you feel loved and appreciated and get nothing back. It hurts me so much, more than I can say, and its like you don’t even care. It stops today. Like I said, I love you with all my heart and I want to be with you, but I want to be happy. I cant change your past, but I can make your present and future an amazing place if you let me.
To the Goddess; mate, when am I going to get a break? I am a good person, my heart is in the right place and I give a million per cent in everything I do, surely I deserve a streak of good luck, where everything from my personal relationships to my financial situation are the best they can be? I am not asking for much, just a break. I am tired of trying and getting nowhere, and seeing no rewards for my efforts. I am unhappy and unlucky in love and I am sick of being broke, I just want some time to re-coup so I can get back into another round of life, being the fighter that I am.
To my friends; thank you for being amazing. I wouldn’t be here without your love and support, it really means the world to me. I have been an emotional wreck of late, and you guys have bore the brunt of it, and it was both selfish and unfair of me to put that on you. I am striving for better in my life, and part of that involves me being a better friend. As I said, I really appreciate the support, and I will do my best to be a little less self- absorbed I the future.
To my amazing family; we have our ups and downs, but I know you are the few people who truly have my back. I have done and been through some terrible things, I have gone against your wishes and have gotten myself into trouble, and you have always been there to bail me out. I cant tell you how much you mean to me, and I am so lucky to be a part of this family.
To the world, and my past; sucked in, you haven’t broken me yet. That isn’t a challenge either. I’ll admit, you have come close on occasions, but you haven’t succeeded yet, and I don’t plan on giving up right now. I am learning that life is about change, and how we adapt to the change is what makes us who we are, and it shapes our experiences, thoughts, opinions, views and personalities. I am going to strive to roll with the punches with a smile on my face; I will do what I can to make things easy for myself and my family and friends if possible. But I refuse to give up. I need more from life, I don’t want more, I need more, and I am going to get it. I have been through enough and deserve to be happy, so I am going to chase that happiness and do what I can to live the rich life I deserve.